Self-care When You Can’t Add One More Thing

It is so very hard to watch your child hurt. Whether it be addiction or mental illness, watching your child battle the forces of “darkness” (I don’t mean this in a theological sense but a figurative one) is heart wrenching.

Are you feeling it? Are your neck or jaw muscles tight? Do you feel like the stress is, literally, slowly killing you, undermining your health?

I want to encourage you to take care of yourself. Having a child with mental illness or with addiction can take a toll on your physical, mental, and spiritual resources. Sometimes the draw on those resources can be for a short time. More often, however, the need to be strong lasts far longer. Your child needs you to take care of yourself. Your spouse and other children, if you have them, also need you to take care of yourself.

I am sharing this as a lesson I wish I had learned earlier. Others told me to take care of myself, but I didn’t think I was able to do so. I believed that it just wasn’t possible for me to take the time. The people offering that advice had not been in a similar situation, so I felt they just couldn’t relate. As someone who has been there – Take care of yourself!

Self care is a loose term. So, let’s be clear – self care as I am going to use it is not a “treat”, rather it is our “veggies”. Treats make us feel better in the short term; nutrition we get from veggies sustains us for the long haul.

We all know what true self-care is. It’s all the “stuff” we know we should be doing for our health even in the best of circumstances – things as simple as showering and sleeping, exercising, meditating on God’s word, date-nights with a spouse, etc. These are the things that keep us in good mental, physical, and spiritual health.

Sound Like More Trouble Than It’s Worth?

As hard as it is to do some of these things in good times, throw in the stress and time demands of a mentally ill or addicted child and the difficulty goes to a whole new level. When a child is dealing with a struggle that literally demands your vigilance and accessibility, finding the time to meet your own needs is exhausting. Being told you need to take care of yourself is like being handed one more ball when you are already struggling to juggle all the others. It sounds like a chore.

What do YOU Need?

So, here is my advice to you: think about what you truly need at this stage. There was a time when my husband and I would drop our teenage kids off at church for Sunday Bible class and then get back in the car and go to the coffee shop. You might think we were skipping our “leafy greens” and not getting filled spiritually. I’m sure that some people who saw us do this probably wondered about our spiritual life. However, in actuality, we were avoiding “triggering” scenarios and getting time together to breathe and unwind for an hour before heading back for worship service. It was a healthy choice for us at that point in time. Do what you know you need. Let others think what they may.

Just Say “NO”

There may be events or good activities that you need to say “no” to for a time. If other activities drain your energy, protect yourself from that extra pull on your limited resources. You do not need to explain why you are unable to participate or help out with an activity. You should not feel guilty about protecting your energy and time for those things which are necessary and only you can do.

Take Mini Breaks

Trade off with your spouse for mini breaks. My husband took our kids to martial arts and participated with them one night a week so that I had that time for myself. Don’t use that time to do your grocery shopping or clean the house unless that helps you reduce your stress. Do something that rejuvenates you, whether that is calling a friend, exercising, or just allowing yourself to relax and do nothing. That down time is important when you are always “on”. It may even be a time to allow yourself a good cry. Tears can be a beneficial release of emotion and giving yourself freedom to use that time to let out the hurt can be healing.

Stay Connected

If trying to find a time to be in God’s word is not happening during this stage of life, don’t feel guilty. Find a way to do what you can do to draw near right now. Maybe it’s memorizing a verse that is meaningful to this current place in your life. Memorize it and meditate on it throughout your day. Now is probably not the time to read through Numbers or Leviticus, but maybe you can find time to read a Psalm every day. If there is one book of the Bible that speaks to your heart, study that over and over. Do what you find works for you, but stay connected to the one who created your heart and promises to redeem this struggle.

It’s a Marathon Not A Sprint

Take a walk, get some fresh air, practice box-breathing, sit outside and listen to the birds or the wind – we all find different ways of recharging our bodies and minds. The important thing is to recognize your need to fill your depleted mental, spiritual, and physical resources so that you can be the best parent you can be in this situation.

Just like an athlete eats to fuel his body, you need those “veggies” to fuel your mind, body, and spirit. This is a marathon you are running! Pace yourself and take care of your needs so that you can finish strong!

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash