Are You Truly Loving Your Child?
At nearly fifty years of age, I have heard I Corinthians 13:4-6 quoted hundreds, if not thousands, of times. I memorized this passage on love at a young age and have often reflected on it to see how I “measure up”. It is only in the last year, however, that I have truly begun to understand the verse that follows (vs 7) and how it applies to loving my children in their struggles. “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
As the parent of a child dealing with addiction, mental illness, or even a child who has left their faith, those verses speak of a different kind of love, the kind of love that holds on when it seems pointless.
When your child lives a lifestyle that breaks your heart, love bears that burden. When a child is unable to cope with life, love believes that life will get better. When a child seems to be stuck in addiction or illness and is unwilling to change, love hopes for a reason for change. When a child is unloving and/or unlovable, love endures the pain.
The “how” seems to come in verses 4-6. We love the unlovable through our kindness, humility, patience, our focus on what is true, etc. Those actions are our own. No matter the behavior of our loved one, we can control our own actions.
Verse 7, however, speaks to something far more subtle, yet powerful. When our loved ones see that we have hope in their change, we choose to love them in spite of the choices they make, we believe that they can have a brighter future, and we can still be a place of refuge in their lives even in the midst – we show them love in a way that can be powerful. It’s powerful because that is how God loves us.
“But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8
Stepping out in hope, God bore the pain of the cross to provide a way for us to be reconciled to Him. God gave His Son not so that we would be reconciled, but so that we could be. There was no guarantee that His sacrifice would bring about a response, but the offer was made so that if we choose to respond there is already a way to make that possible. God endures the garbage in our world in the hopes that there will be more people who will turn to Him.
Having a child who chooses or is unable to be the person you raised him or her to be gives a glimpse into the love of God. When we refuse to acknowledge God or to live a life that he desires for us, when we turn our back on his word and try to do things our own way – the love of God is still there for us. He is waiting, hoping, for our return.
As hard as it is, sometimes we have to bite our tongues. Other times we need to speak truth, but in love. Let your words be “seasoned with grace”. If your child doesn’t receive love from you, how will they ever return to the life they are meant to live? My child needs to see Christ’s love and grace in me. Your child needs to see God working in the way you interact, to see His love and mercy overflowing even when it is undeserved.
The Bible does not tell us that love removes the consequences of our behavior. It does not say that love makes us doormats to our children. Love is not covering every cost so that our children do not grow up or grow wiser. Love is continuing to desire relationship even when we don’t particularly like who our child has become.
Whether your child is dealing with sin or just the results of a sinful world (ie. mental illness), the same principal is at work. Seeing a parent who is strong in faith, who hopes and endures, believes, and bears all things is a powerful antidote. If you have given up on your child, show them God’s love – let them know you hope and believe in their recovery and success. If you have stopped showing love because it is easier to lash out in pain than to endure and show kindness – make a change. Be sure your child knows that the love you show is because of the God you serve. Let the earthen vessel of your life show the grace and power of God. God is love.
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