Or What I Learned From My Children with Addiction and Mental Illness

When you are the parent of an addict or someone struggling with mental health issues, you are in a unique place to learn a few lessons in grace. So often, we look at our kids in these positions and feel frustration as they fail to get “unstuck.” We also may feel like we have failed as parents or feel hurt by others who fail to understand what our families are going through. There are so many opportunities to grow in our understanding and practice of grace!

I can’t tell you how many times my husband or I got angry with our OCD son because he “wasn’t trying,” In particular at the beginning when we didn’t really understand his illness. I know from others that this is a common problem. We can’t understand why our child can’t just stay away from those websites, can’t just cheer up, etc.

My Lesson

Let me share with you how I came to better understand grace. The night of our oldest son’s twenty-first birthday we became aware of his addiction. Two months later he checked himself into a detox program, for which I am so grateful and proud of him.

We have run the gamut of emotions – grief, confusion, shame, and anger. One midweek morning, during my anger phase, I had had enough. I had discovered yet another medical bill to be paid for my son. A bill brought about because of his choices to pollute his body with opiates. As he sat working through his addiction in a treatment program, I sat dealing with the aftermath. In sunny California, my son was enjoying his freedom living with a group of men, working out, enjoying the beach.

Oh, I know it wasn’t like that, but at that moment, that is how it felt. What were the real consequences of his actions? We, his dad and I, were the ones paying an obscene amount of money to get him sober, to cover his medical bills, to pay, in short, for his reckless choices. Where was the justice in that?

Anger and bitterness toward my son flowed from me. “God, help him feel the consequences of his actions,” I said; my heart demanded justice. Suddenly, God spoke to me. This was not the still small voice. It was a sucker punch. “This is just like my grace for you.” That did it.

Tears began to pour as I recognized the truth of God’s grace for me. All of the anger I felt was washed away in the realization that Christ had paid that “obscene” price for me. I didn’t deserve to have my debt forgiven; He paid it because He loved me and knew that I, like my son, could never pay for it myself. Just like my son, I go through life oblivious to the damage and penalty that I continue to place on my Savior. I can rejoice and enjoy the blessings of this world because Christ is footing the bill.

There is no justice. Nor should I desire it. The grace I have been shown should flow from my heart into those around me and I should be grateful to be able to extend it and thereby be Christ to the world.

Grace For Your Child

This is why I say we have a unique position to be able to learn about grace. God has given us children that we love tremendously and so desperately want to have healthy relationship with. We want the best for them and ache when they do not make choices for themselves that would be for their best. Every parent goes through this to some degree, but I believe these emotions are amplified when the extremes of mental illness or addiction are involved. And these experiences reflect what God feels for us! He loves us and wants relationship with us in the same way.

Grace doesn’t mean we fix everything for our children. In fact, quite the opposite! We face the consequences of our actions and sometimes the best love we can show is to let our children feel those consequences. It just means I will love my child “in spite of.” I will love even when I am frustrated. I will love even when my child is unlovable. I will love even when I have nothing left. And in so doing, I will pray that my child learns what God’s grace is.

Grace For Yourself

Having a child with mental illness or addiction not only teaches us what grace is and to have grace towards the child, it also leaves us feeling the need for grace ourselves. It is very common when dealing with mental illness or addiction in our children to feel that we have somehow caused their problems; that we have failed in our role as mom or dad. We need to learn to show grace to ourselves, as well.

My husband and I are part of a parent group for our son’s rehab program. One thing our program director states over and over is that if you had caused the problem, you can also cure the problem. So, if you can’t cure it (which you know you have tried to do!) then you also were not the cause of it. We give ourselves a whole lot more credit than we deserve!

We aren’t perfect as parents. We can all point to things we did or didn’t do and blame ourselves. The “if only” thoughts can undermine our peace. The problem is that WE ARE NOT GOD. We cannot know with any certainty the impact of our actions.

I might say, “I wish I had paid more attention.” You might say, “I wish I had not smothered my child with attention.” We both would be blaming ourselves and yet if we had both found that happy medium, we would likely still be in the same boat. One says, “I wish I had taken my child to church more.” Another says,”I wish I had not forced my child to go to church.” The back and forth could go on and on and on.

Addiction and mental illness are not respecters of class, race, religion, or any other demographic distinction. They are found in homes where there are healthy parental relationships and in those where there are not. They are found in homes where God is honored and revered and in homes where there is no god. It doesn’t matter.

There are so many factors that go into these conditions. Some is choice, some is genetic, some is environment. It is multifaceted and YOU are not in control. You have a role to play in your child’s life, but you are ultimately not the one who has control – especially if you are talking about an adult child.

We do our best as parents. God’s grace covers the rest. If you know of mistakes you made, ask forgiveness of God and of your child, and then allow God to remove the stain of that sin. But, don’t allow guilt to drive you to thinking you caused your child’s problem. Were you a perfect parent? No. But, did you cause your child to be an addict or to have mental illness? Also, No.

You are not a perfect parent, but I believe you are a good parent. Good parents care about their children and I am confident that is you or you wouldn’t be reading this. Give yourself some grace. Forgive yourself for the things you wish you had done differently. The grace you would show to a fellow traveler on this journey of parenting – show that same grace to yourself.

Grace For Others

Finally, we have plenty of opportunity to show grace to others around us who, mostly unintentionally, say things that are hurtful to us. I don’t know about you, but before I had a kid with mental illness and before I had a kid with addiction I didn’t understand either one. I had no idea how little phrases could “trigger” a gut response in me.

I don’t know what those triggers are for you, but for me there are a few. When someone says they are “obsessed” with something a little part of me breaks inside. A joking comment about “trying to quit” catches my breath. “I could just kill myself” is one that especially gets a gut reaction and I wonder how that ever came to be something someone said in jest. I am sure you have some of those trigger comments, too.

And, not only are there trigger phrases or comments, there are also the platitudes and conversations that don’t go down so well. Even a nice comment can be triggering in the wrong moment. An example of this for me is when someone tells me what a great parent they think I am or what a great family I have. Inside, I cringe when certain people say that. They don’t mean it to hurt, but it makes me feel like such a hypocrite sometimes. Then there are the people who know your situation and tell you that you are not to blame, but then turn around and say something that indicates they have some concern that you actually do have some blame.

Grace. God’s grace. Yes, we can gently correct people when they say things that are inappropriate. I genuinely think most people just don’t have a clue and telling them that certain phrases are hurtful to others is appreciated. But, sometimes it’s just a matter of reminding ourselves that God has shown me grace and I can show the same to others. “They just don’t get it” is a statement I find myself saying a whole lot.

Parenting in the storm is such an opportunity for growth in many ways. God can use this time to do great things in your spiritual life if you look to Him. It is not easy, in fact it may just be the hardest thing you have ever done. Show your child some grace. Show others who hurt you grace. Maybe hardest of all – show yourself some grace. As you do, remember the grace God has shown you because of His great love for you.

Photo by Tim Wildsmith on Unsplash

Photo by Greg Rosenke on Unsplash